Saving Marriage

With more than half of North American marriages ending in divorce, it’s easy to see that marriage is almost a disposable commodity these days. I often think about the way it was a hundred years ago, when marriage really did mean ‘til death do us part. Mind you, a lot of the people in those marriages may not have been happy, but one of the biggest mistakes that people tend to make, in this day and age, is look at marriage as something that has to do with romance, and, well dating might involve romance, it is not the only reason for marriage.

While the basis for marriage should include a connection between the two people, a caring, a passion, an element of magic. The reality of life is that marriage is not one long romantic Valentine’s Day-type of event. In marriage, there are two components that have always been part of it: property and children. It may sound like we’re talking about a business deal, or a partnership, or a financial arrangement, or an emotional arrangement, but that’s the way it really is.

We do make promises when we get married, to care for each other, and to work together, and part of the arrangement often involves having children. When we have children, we’re making a deal with eternity, and this is something that cannot be taken lightly. So, when it comes to the notion of saving a marriage, you really have to think long and hard about why your marriage needs saving. Something must have gone wrong somewhere along the line.

It is difficult to understand that we’re not all exactly alike, and it’s difficult to accept the foibles of another person, while expecting them to think that are foibles are just wonderful. I was recently talking to a woman who was married for the second time, and her husband had also been married before, and one of the first arguments they had was about how to chop carrots. It’s these little things that can cause problems, she liked her carrots round, and he liked them cut lengthwise, and they both said, “Oh, that’s not the way you slice carrots.”

She was about to argue with her husband, and then they both started to laugh, they realized that carrots are carrots, and they taste just as good whether round or lengthwise. It’s all about communication. And, if something bothers you in a marriage, you don’t need to be confrontational about it and bark, “What’s that supposed to mean?” You simply say, “Well, why do you like doing it this way?” and you allow each other to explain these things.

One of the hardest things in marriage is being able to be truthful with each other. There are little things that we do, or think, or some little behaviors that are part of us, and maybe we’re afraid the other person won’t love us if we behave this way. Well, as harsh as it may seem, love really has nothing to do with it, it has to has to do with respect. If you plan to get married and live with this person for the rest of your life, you’ve got to give that person space and that person has to give you space.

You have to accept that you’re not identical people, even though when you’re in the first blush of love, you think that you are exactly the same person with the same goals, desires, and habits. You’ve got to understand that sometimes people just need space. If your husband goes into the other room and shuts the door to read his book, it’s got nothing to do with you, it simply has to do with whatever joy he takes in reading his book. It can be his way of unwinding, debriefing or just recharging his emotional batteries.

If you want to go out with your girlfriends and play cards, and he thinks that there’s something wrong with you going out with your girlfriends, then there may be deeper issues there. But this notion of tossing a marriage away without even trying to work out whatever difficulties you have is not going to benefit either of you. If you don’t understand the concept of sharing, and living and letting live, then there’s no point disposing of your current marriage to go out and find another marriage with the same problems unresolved. They will just re-emerge. If you can’t talk to each other, then you better learn, or you’re in for a long hard lonely life.